and definitely not hot sex.’The rise of silver surfing has seen more pensioners turn to online dating.

Last year a survey showed more than seven in ten single older people are looking for sex in a relationship.

This week’s episode is called “What You Don’t Know About Online Dating.” (You can subscribe to the podcast at i Tunes, get the RSS feed, or listen via the media player above.

Cracked worst dating websites video

since it’s totally private and hidden from everyone else, it conveys that you’re feeling especially attracted to him.” Totally hidden. All those breathy ooohs and aaahs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.” This sounds like something that would happen in , only it wouldn't lead to steamy intercourse — it would lead to a You Tube video. "Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face." In fact, say exactly that: "My lips can't resist your delicious beer-flavored face." Just so I can know that somewhere, someone actually said it. If your boyfriend is doing anything remotely different — often in a good way — he’s cheating. "Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym." 40. It could be a sign that he'll trash your relationship too." 42.

Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, ' Wanna hear me do this tonight? "If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out! "Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network — he may need constant attention." If any of these things happen (or, you know, you have actual legitimate, non-Facebook related reasons to doubt his fidelity), you could sit him down for a serious talk.

" Not to be cliché, but if you’re going to commit this very tacky and not-nearly-as-subtle-as-thinks-it-is maneuver, pick a more flattering metaphor. He really doesn't want to answer questions like, ' Are you okay? but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe." Translation: for those of you too shy for the stealth rub 'n tug, you can still just mutely paw his junk. That's how I'm going to devour you.'" Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.” 36. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power." This makes me think of two really cute nerds who like to role-play.

It's a guaranteed way to feel like a sexbot without having to whisper anything about coins. “Slip your hand into his back pocket and lightly stroke his ass… "When he's on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and 'accidentally' dial him up. One of them is a handsome space cowboy and the other is a rapey space robot who says “Now you will experience the pleasure power.” But that game’s not for everyone. "Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why." 39.

Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a . Now that we’ve entered fully into the sexual universe, we need a contingency plan.

This is the "potpourri" section — a grab bag of ludicrous suggestions that range from the gustatory to the cinematic. “Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body." There's a variation on this mainstay of the canon in almost every issue.

Or, as they put it, trying to figure out how to “throw his disco stick a party he'll never forget." 1. "Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves." First, do women like their breasts to be “volleyed” like tennis balls? 4."Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base.

"To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits." "Master" in both senses: the complicated way, like a Master's degree, and the mean way. you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)." If — unbelievably — this doesn’t work, , you shameful, unable-to-please-a-man woman.

If only people approached dating like an economist, he thought, they’d be better off. You’ll hear what Vogt had done right, what Oyer thinks was wrong, and what happens when you update your profile, economist-style. All my Jewish friends talk about being under pressure from mum to meet a good Jewish boy or girl, but they don’t happen to be everywhere, but they’re all over J-Date.