Now personally, I’m not a fan of all the nervous anticipation that comes with the end of a date, so I’ll usually kiss her to really work up my calibration. I can guarantee you, your date has probably spent just about as much time thinking about how the night is going to end as you have.

To walk you through all this confusing shit and teach you that when you just need to shut up and kiss the girl. You’re looking for “the moment,” which is a mistake.

When you’re asking the question of “When do you kiss her”, you’re asking the wrong question.

And critically, I’ve learned the most important part about the first kiss.

The truth is, you’re asking the wrong goddamn question. So I’ve learned how to recognize when someone is receptive to being kissed and how.

I understand that everyone has different kissing styles and preferences, and there is a spectrum of what may be considered enjoyable, but I’ve consulted with other women, and they agree with me, there are certain kinds of kisses that are universally unwelcome.

After the jump, some kinds of first kisses that will render romance DOA.

don’t have anything to talk about, but if I’m sitting across from an uncommunicative human for an hour, I will feel compelled to fill up every second of that hour with words. I’m really here to talk about first kiss anxiety, which is way, way more serious. I’m hovering.” I think it’s intended to be romantic in some way, but unless you are MADLY in love with the person and the smell of their breath gets you high, it’s just weird. If you make eye contact and move in dead on, it signifies a kiss on the lips. One or both of the people miscalculates the angle and noses collide or you get a jaw in your eye socket or teeth clack together. It’s as if you just got out of the slammer earlier that day.

And for those of you who similarly fear awkward silences, you know how much energy it takes to fill an entire hour with words. I think there are two schools of thought on first kisses: Those who think a bad first kiss indicates incompatibility and those who believe that kissing is not all-important. If she moves away from your dead on approach, SHE DOESN”T WANT TO KISS. Whatever face parts manage to get in the way, this kiss is never fun. You’re on a mission to kiss a human woman and it doesn’t matter whose mouth gets in your way.

Whether it is a quick peck or a long smooch, kissing is a pleasant way to spread a little love.