This was only heightened by the fact that most of the men at the event were, as I said, aggressively average -- like, community-college average. Most of the men were hilarious -- unintentionally, that is.One gentleman, for example, interrupted me halfway throughout our introductions and asked with a smile, "Are you a Greek god? I gave him the ol' side eye and sipped out of my beer suspiciously. "I would love to take you back to my apartment to photograph you." Flattered, and with a bit of beer foam dribbling out of my mouth, I politely declined.

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It's happened to me once before; I realized that if I was the smartest person in the room, then we were all screwed.

That's how I imagine this gentleman felt, except that instead of being the smartest man in the room, he was the best-looking.

"The online 'bottoms' sign-up sheet was all filled up! If I wanted to sail with the boys on this gay Noah's ark, I had to maybe fib to myself a little." And look where that got me. If you learn anything from me at all, it's that you should always dress how you want to feel, not how you actually feel.

The event, which was held in the confines of a cavernous bar downtown, had a surprisingly large turnout. " I looked at my name tag, which was peeling off already, as if it knew that the "T" written on it was all some horrible lie. That, and never buy knives from that dude from high school.

My voice was so hoarse that it was one broken leg away from a glue factory, and my personality had a heavy case of whiskey d**k.

By the time I got to the handsomest man in the room, I could tell we were both exhausted.

Alas, despite my greatest efforts, I was not a very convincing top.

I might have had better luck convincing them I was a a very lost and confused lesbian. I was bottoming out after talking to guy after guy for .

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