It was fucking weird, but I was kind of pleased she was adding more colour to an already entertaining story.

I didn’t throw faeces out of a window and have to be rescued by the fire service, but as far as dating tales go, it was a good one.

If you see these common fuckboy dating profile lines, swipe left. Since I'm not swiping through at Bonnaroo, I can only take "good vibes" to mean that this guy wants a woman who's always "positive." But I don't mean it in the way regular people say it, I mean it in the way my ex-boyfriend used to say it, i.e., any time you try to (rightfully) call the guy out on his bullshit (like, for instance, actively trying to pursue your friend while still very much being in a relationship with you, or again, totally made-up example here, saying you "used to be a fatty"), gets met with an, "I don't know why you're being so negative all the time, you're just taking everything the wrong way." The "good vibes only" guy can do no wrong in his eyes. Don't be out here on Tinder trying to dispense medical advice without a valid degree.

He could literally cheat on you and it would be your fault for "harshing his vibe" or "being a downer." Remember, you agreed to only put out positive vibes, and this douche will hold you to that like you signed a legally binding contract. Translation: I'm hot, you know it, and I know you know it. He's probably super hot, which is the only feasible excuse for why you would not have to rely on your personality AT ALL. How can you tell through a smartphone app what's a normal vaginal odor and what's not?

I adored the attention and found that as long as I didn’t cry and kept it breezy, people rarely got bored of my single life.

Five years on from that 3am-key-in-the-door-ex-visit, I’m on the other side of the pub table.

Anyway, I like to consider myself somewhat of an expert at online dating—not because I've found a lasting relationship off a dating app (if I had, I wouldn't be here), but because I'm very good at judging people and I'm also very arrogant.

I know, I'm so upbeat it's a wonder I'm still single.

Vulnerability, lust, excitement, embarrassment, humour, validation, status, disappointment and love: those first meetings and early dates package up so many real, guttural emotions.

By being a dating spectator I get to experience all of them, while never risking a broken heart.

I’m realising that when I act as audience to the latest fuck story, I’m condoning that.

Not that my abstinence is going to change the world, but I no longer watch , where people are judged on their genitals, than I do with men picking from a line-up of women based purely on how low their body-con scoops.

I asked my single friends how they feel about their post-8pm lives being conversation fodder (you can see why they call me Mum) and none of them minded.