We’ll get to him in a minute.) Abs tells the camera how he likes the way Katelynn’s a bit of a tom boy and how he relates to girls like that– and we’re hooked! (If making wild speculations about the cast of a reality show bothers you, we’re not sure why you’re reading this article. We can see why the Coop no longer dates a guy whose first impulse when he meets someone is to get them to divulge their personal secrets, but whatever– at least J. takes Katelynn to dinner at ELMO, which is a totally cute restaurant in Chelsea that I bet Anderson took J. It’s supposed to be tender, but it comes off as awkward.

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Association with MTV puts her that much closer to touring as one of Justin Timberlake’s future fake-blowjob-giving backup dancers. Scary awful secret: Suffers from severe panic attacks. Relationship Status: Newly single and ready to mingle, ya’ll. Relationship Status: Currently in his first-ever relationship! First impression: Please put away the pink hair dye, Ms. Katie Holmes never rocked that shit on Dawson’s, and neither should you.

First impression: We feel a Jesse Spano meltdown coming on! Auditioned: Because “I wanted to make Chet a household name.”Scary awful secret: His family is worried he’ll be portrayed as a “Mormon gone bad.”First impression: Looks like he escaped from a Heatherette fashion show, or desperately wants to have an androgynous bang-fest with Agyness Deyn (if he had premarital sex, or drank, which he doesn’t, hahah). Name: Sarah Age: 22Relationship Status: Is with her first-ever boyfriend (her mom set them up! Auditioned: Because “the line was short.”Scary awful secret: Got drunk in a tattoo shop once.

Though she’s now got a boyfriend at home in West Palm Beach, Florida, being the first trangendered person on has to be pretty daunting, so Katelynn defuses the tension by talking about how she’s been in orgies (“polyamory” she explains to Mormon Boy, who doesn’t know what the word means) and by running around in tight pink short shorts. Also in the “Katelynn is awesome” department is the fact that she’s already blogged about her hatred of The Gothamist. ” Chet When roommate Ryan (we’re getting to him) tells Chet that J. sets off his gaydar, Chet explains off-camera that he doesn’t seem to have a gaydar and can’t tell if a person is gay or not.

This is hilarious, because Chet is obviously gay and unable to recognize it, which sounds like something we should all grab each other and sob about.

This, of course, is what’s going on, but just in case it’s not, option two: Because Chet has grown up in Salt Lake, he missed out on the fact that “metrosexual” isn’t actually a real thing at all, but rather a way for straight New York boys to get girls who, because they’re surrounded by gay men who dress well and use product all day, have come to expect basic grooming habits out of the male sex. Break.” Sarah Sarah’s mainly been with girls and is in her first serious relationship with a dude, which, unlike Chet’s self-denial, seems totally sane and normal. This could be because she’s training to be an art therapist, but mostly we think it’s because she’s a good person. MTV’s doing a whole post-game show that’s too douchey to go into any detail here other than to mention that we see Ryan and Katelyn talk about this moment.

It’s like Chet picked up an article about metrosexuals one day, decided it was the thing to do and then took the concept further than any self-respecting straight man ever would. Ryan It’s because of Sarah’s curiosity that we get to see that Ryan, who’s Aeropostale cap and cocky grin would normally have us peg him as “The Asshole,” is actually one of the most complex people on the show. Katelynn explains that while it’s always hard to hear stuff like that, she knows that Ryan’s view has evolved over the course of the show, though to what degree remains to be seen.

Just three weeks after her gender-reassignment surgery in Thailand, Katelynn Cusanelli lands in New York, where she’s greeted by Scott Herman. D.’s spent a lot of time in therapy, as he has the lingo down pat and, frankly, in the first episode he comes off as kind of a prick. They do this in a cab and then they both start crying and holding each other.

(Herman shall henceforth be known as Abs, since not only did he win an award for having the best set on the East Coast, it’s his only distinguishing feature. From the get-go he realizes Katelynn is transgendered (because he you know, has eyes) and decides that what he needs to do is take her out to dinner and make her come out to him. This isn’t misty-eyed-couple-of-tears-rolling-down-your-face crying, it’s sobbing loudly while clinging to each other waterworks.

Yeah, yeah: people should be able to express themselves whatever way they want—. You line your jacket’s popped collar with fuchsia on your sewing machine. She casually asks about what he’s done with his life so far and he mentions he was in the military. See, I knew there was more to you than just being the shy guy. Ryan: Oh, Iraq (His bio mentions he was one of Saddam’s guards at his trial). They do a freestyle acoustic guitar round robin later in the post-game (don’t ask) and Katelynn sings about how Ryan is mean to her, so And then there’s Abs to bring us back to Earth.

Which is why I am expressing myself right now when I say, “Dude. Abs remains adorably clueless that Katelynn is transgendered.

He also pretty much spends all of his time in the gym.